I’ve written at length before about the rupture the changes in my life the past couple years have created in my ‘story’. One of the consequences of this rupture, along with a mind that insists on wrapping itself around and understanding even the most difficult enigmas, is that I’ve spent much the past couple years with a strong sense of internal restlessness, trying to grapple with the ungrapplable.
I don’t have answers, certainly, at least not yet. For the most part I’m okay with that, and have even attained a kind of peace with the unknowing. But there are times when this peace can still be shaken. Occasionally I still wake up at night wondering if there was something I missed that I could have or should have done, or what on earth God expected from me. Other times, there are just odd encounters with people, like tonight when just before bumping into the priest of my old church I had spent a half hour essentially offering pastoral care to a guy I was chatting with online, and that just after having to explain my history again to another friend who can’t seem to imagine an other experience of faith for people of my ilk than the self-loathing closeted guy living in fear of a God who ‘hates fags’, which of course was never my experience of faith or Church life. (Though, I know I am in fact in the minority in that respect… the stories I hear get worse and worse, ranging from psychological and spiritual torture through financial abuse to full on blackmail.) This isn’t to say that I worry about what has transpired or the direction my life has taken, but is just a reality of life when there has been a rupture in your story.
And I’d certainly be lying if I were to say there aren’t things I miss about my former life or that my new life is perfect. Far from it on both counts. But, as I say, something’s lost and something’s gained in living every day. No situation or circumstance is perfect and it would be folly to pretend it were otherwise. My old life was impossibly difficult but also had impossible beauty in it. My new life has challenges too, obviously, but is also beautiful. And generally speaking, despite odd sequences of events like those of tonight, which just make me a bit pensive, I have peace about everything, but again, the it’s the peace of unknowing, rather than the satisfaction of understanding. And I’m okay with that. It’s enough for now. Maybe one day I’ll understand everything that happened to me over the past fourteen years; maybe I won’t. In the end it doesn’t matter. And even knowing that much is great peace of mind.